“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanore Rosevelt
In fact, no one can make you feel anything without your consent. I’m not saying you don’t have gut reactions to things, rather that you are a sentient being, and thus you have control over yourself. You are self-aware. Aware enough to figure out how you’re feeling and why.
Today I was in a really good mood. I was getting things done left and right and then mid-morning, I managed to spill a cup of nasty chemical in my lap. I was frustrated and trying to clean it up and not let it set me back time-wise.
And I caught myself.
I caught myself beginning to go back over my morning and pick out every little thing that was going wrong. I caught myself starting the downward spiral into a pity party with the clouds darkening overhead for the start of a bad day.
I pulled up short and reflected back on how happy I’d been earlier.
Did I really want to go down this path?
No!
I wanted to stay in a great mood, and so I did. I cleaned up, kept moving and got over it.
Now, it doesn’t always go this way.
Something I’m overly hungry, the baby is being difficult and then I step in cat throw up, and I don’t keep it together so well.
There’s a little logical voice in the back of my mind that’s like, you should probably stop and feed yourself before you do or say something you regret.
Because there’s always more than one way to react to a situation. You have the free agency to choose your reaction.
If you don’t feel like it’s a choice, like it’s out of your control, then here’s how to start.
It’s called self coaching. Instead of someone else stepping into the situation and walking you through how to handle it better, you’re coaching yourself through it.
This is such a valuable skill and will save you so much anger and regret! But where do you even start?
Notice when you’re about to lose it
It’s not easy to stop and think rationally when something has made you fly off the handle. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Your brain is smart and tries to show you what you’re looking for. So if you ask your brain to give you a heads up when you’re about to lose it, it’ll do its best
At first, you’ll probably only catch yourself after the bad reaction. That’s okay, this takes practice. Once you realize what’s happened, reflect back on the situation and see if you can identify any triggers.
Try to be more self-aware and notice patterns in your behavior. Once you understand the underlying motive, you can change it. Or in my case, keep snacks in your purse so you can avoid hangry explosions.
You have to understand your gut reactions before you can change them.
Step back
Now that you can recognize when you’re going to react poorly to a situation, you can practice pausing before reacting.
Maybe your kid got jam all over the carpet, or maybe your husband did that thing that drives you bonkers.
Your gut reaction is probably anger, understandably. But I want you to pause. Leave the space if you need to. The world isn’t going to end if you walk away from either of those situations for a minute so you can collect yourself.
Taking a step back takes practice.
Sometimes you need to assess the situation and re-frame what’s happening.
I find that I have so much more patience with my daughter when I can understand why she’s reacting to things the way she is. If I can recognize that she’s having a meltdown because she’s hungry, or tired, or overstimulated, or whatever the reason, I have so much more capacity for patience. And then, in turn, I can better take care of her needs, rather than just getting frustrated and annoyed.
I personally need it to make some sort of sense for me to handle it better. This one is definitely tough because kids don’t always seem very logical, but I know that she’s processing things the best that she can and all I can do is try to understand where she’s coming from so I can help her.
Self reflect
Okay, we’ve noticed we’re going to react poorly and we’ve stepped away for a minute, now what?
Now it’s time for a little self reflection. Ask yourself questions like:
- What am I feeling?
- Why am I feeling this way?
- Do I want to feel this way?
- How would I rather feel?
- How big is this situation in the grand scheme of things? Are you even going to remember it in 5 years?
- How can I re-frame the circumstances so that I can have a more positive reaction?
- What can I do about it now?
- What can I do to prevent either this situation or my reaction again?
I learned to do this when I first started dating my husband. I’d never taken the time to understand the reasoning behind my feelings or why I reacted to situations the way I did and then suddenly I needed to be able to explain my feelings and reactions to someone else.
My now-husband was so patient with me as I worked through the process of learning to step back and interpret my emotions and the motivations behind them.
I’d tell him, “this situation makes me sad and I’m not sure why”. Then I’d spend some time mulling it over in my mind, analyzing why I felt that emotion.
Then usually the next day when we were back together I could explain to him what was going on in my own mind. I could tell him, “this situation made me sad because I felt disconnected with you”, or whatever conclusion I came to.
It was super beneficial for me to learn to take a step back and analyze my motivations. It was also super beneficial to my husband because it helped him to understand my thoughts and feelings so we could work better together.
This is not something you’re going to start doing overnight, so cut yourself some slack and just do your best. And sometimes it can take a while to muddle out why you reacted the way you did. It’s okay. Give yourself as much time as you need to understand your motives and reactions.
If you want to learn more about self coaching, check out this great article by Natalie Bacon.
For now, set your intention to catch yourself before you explode, and see if you can identify a common thread for when you lose your cool. When you can start catching yourself, you’ll be amazed at the difference it will make in your life.